Why didn't I think of that? How many times have we all asked that question? When it comes to humor, funny things happen to us all the time. I think the reason why more people don't have more humor in their lives, is because they don't CAPTURE the incident when it happened! They're always too busy with something else! I can't blame people for that, as we live in a fast-paced society, and forgetting things is common. And, if you have a memory like mine (forget it), you will never, remember the incident the way it happened!

I wrote this article, because I want to show the reader how there is humor all over the place...IF you just look for it!

AROUND THE HOME: Sometimes humor knocks on the front door!

A few years ago, I was sick as a dog with a bad cold and flu...and, I was in bed for about a week! The chest congestion I had, was so deep that I lost my voice to a whisper! Coughing all the time, made things worse! The agony lasted for about two weeks.

One day, the doorbell rang, and with nobody around to answer the door, I got up and answered it. There was a young man standing there who was about fourteen years of age and he said:

Newspaper boy: "I'm collecting for the morning newspaper, sir."

And, in a WHISPERING voice I asked, "How much is it?"

In his own WHISPERING voice, the paper boy responded, "$7.50."

At which time I responded in a WHISPERING voice, "Oh, you don't have to WHISPER, young man, I have a terrible cold and the flu, and I lost my voice!"

Again, the young man responded in a WHISPERING voice, "Whether I WHISPER or not, sir, the bill is still $7.50!"

Here are two people WHISPERING at the front door, as if we were in a library. During this short exchange with the paper boy, the more I laughed at what was happening, the more painful it was!

IN THE WORK PLACE:

I knew a man and wife, named Kathy and Rick Nelson, who worked at the same company where I worked. They had a baby, and were having trouble coming up with a name that they could both agree on. This tug-of-war between them went on for weeks, and they still couldn't come up with a name for their baby. So, they decided to put a notice up on the blackboard in the break room at work, and to ask fellow-employees for any suggestions they may have for their baby. The following suggestions appeared for the Nelson's baby:

Baby Face Nelson Full Nelson (wrestling term) Half-Nelson (wrestling term)

OUT IN THE STREETS AND AROUND TOWN:

Something that really annoys me, is when I go into a store, through the IN door...there is somebody coming the other way and comes OUT through the IN door! And, when I finish taking care of my business in the store, I proceed OUT the OUT door...only to have somebody come IN the OUT door! I've never been a conformist, so maybe I should change my ways. Next time I go to the store, I should do what everybody else does! Go IN the OUT door and come OUT the IN door! (People who do this, have what I call, that "ice cream truck mentality," ding-a-ling...ding-a-ling!)

* * * I love this one. One day, I was craving for an ice cream cone, so I went into a fast-food restaurant and ordered one. The young man behind the counter asked me, "Sir, do you want the ice cream cone for HERE...or do you want it to GO?" (Please...Somebody hold me back, before I jump on this kid!)

* * *

Most of us have a craving for something at some time or another...Mexican food, pickles; donuts and so forth. One day, I was craving green seedless grapes, and I had to have some NOW, or I was going to go crazy! So, I went to the grocery store and got the grapes. When I went to pay for the grapes, I thought I would have a little fun with the grocery clerk.

The Express line sign reads: "20 items or less." There was nobody around in the express line, so I headed over there to check out, and I asked the clerk, "I have about 248 grapes here, and I'm over the limit, so can you check me out, since there are lines over at the other registers? The clerk looked at me like I needed help! "Yes, I can check you out here, because you only have ONE bundle of grapes...not 248 individual grapes...yes, you do have 248 grapes, sir...but, they are all in one bundle...am I confusing you...or am I confusing ME?" The clerk smiled at the stupidity of it all, but I didn't get the laugh I thought I would get! So, when a person does spontaneous humor (like I do), you never know what you're going to get. In this case, I didn't get the laugh I wanted, but maybe that's was just "sour grapes" on my part! (pun intended)

* * *

All of us have our favorite singers...male and female and I have mine. Because this information is much more important than anything that comes out of Washington, D.D., or around the world, I'll share it with you.

My favorite male singers: Kenny Rogers; Gordon Lightfoot; Tony Bennett

My favorite female singers: Ann Murry; Olivia Newton-John; Alice Cooper

* * * Because there are no cabinets in the way, my microwave oven sits on top of the refrigerator. One night after dinner, I was craving for a bowl of ice cream. After I put a couple of scoops in a bowl, I put the ice cream away. The next morning, I got up as usual and prepared for my day. I needed to heat up the breakfast I prepared, so I was going to put it in the microwave...and guess what I saw?

I made a mistake and put the half-gallon of chocolate ice cream in the microwave, instead of the freezer just below the microwave...and now I had to clean up a chocolate mess! (Where were you when the brains were handed out, Jer?)

* * *

DECISIONS; DECISIONS: I'm getting tired of making so many decisions during my lifetime! Especially petty decisions, which really irritate me! It seems like everywhere I go, I have to make a decision...and it's getting old!

* I go into a department store to buy a shirt, and go up to the counter to pay for it, and the clerk asks me, "Sir, will this be cash...or charge?" (S-C-R-E-A-M!)

* I go to the pizza joint, and order a pizza and the clerk asks me, "Sir, do you want thick and chewy or thin and crispy?" (S-C-R-E-A-M!)

* I go to the ice cream store to get some ice cream, and the clerk asks me, "Sir, do you want a cup or a cone?" (S-C-R-E-A-M!)

* I go into the grocery store to pick up a few items, and I pay for them and the bag person asks me, "Sir, do you want plastic or paper?" (S-C-R-E-A-M!)

* * * I've been a football fan most of my life and I like to watch a game on occasion. When my wife and I were dating, I asked her if she liked football and if she knew anything about the game. Her answer, "Sure, I know a lot about football." I was a little skeptical, so I gave her a little quiz, and asked her what's a "first down"? Her answer, "A first down is when the first player gets knocked down!" (somebody get me some aspirin!)

* * * Because my computer blew up, I was going to a local community college located near-by to use their computers, until I could replace mine. The computer lab has about 65-70 computers for students and public use. One day, a woman came into the lab, and searched all around the lab to see if there was a computer available. That day, it was a packed house and no computers were available. She asked me what she could do...maybe, get on a waiting list, etc. In my warped and off-the-wall mind, I told her, "Why don't you just yell out... F-I-R-E!" (I couldn't believe she looked at me weird!)

* * *

I think the key to getting good, usable ideas is to try to remember them. Whether the ideas are for humor or anything else. I advise people to carry a small spiral notebook, with them at all times, to capture those ideas. Maybe, a Blackberry will help; a strawberry; a cranberry...whatever you want to harvest...is fine with me!

I have a big advantage over others, when it comes to humor, because I've been in it for over forty years, so it's been a long learning period for me. But, everyone has to start someplace, so if you're interested in getting more humor into your life, I encourage you to do so. Good luck!

ARTICLES PUBLISHED; (70+ websites/includes links); Direct link: http://humordoctormd.homestead.com/articlespublished.html Website name; humordoctormd - Over 150 colorful pages; over 300 graphics http://humordoctormd.homestead.com email; humordoctormd@yahoo.com Copyright; Jerry L. Aragon (The Humor Doctor); 2006